Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Jaws of the Greatest Hurt

If I could escape this feeling,
I would give what I had.
There is no help in healing,
For the feelings that are all sad.

To suffer this is earth’s great hell,
No fire, no brimstone
Only an agonizing knell
Of a feeling I don’t want to own.

To burn is not to suffer,
Nor is it to be encased in ice
Pain and sadness is far tougher
Not wanting any of this life.

I despair of my own life
Wanting all the hurt to stop
I have given up the fight
Sadness freezes me like a rock.

What is it like to be depressed
To suffer here
Unlike the rest
With all of the fear

It is to be separated from the light
And from all that is happy
It is to constantly embrace your plight
And view all sadly

There is no good in life
And only bad
But if I look, I might
See that others would envy all I had

So, there is guilt in this despair
Because it is undeserved
But still there
And it doesn’t go away with a word.

Where is the help for this feeling
That comes without sense
And there is no way of dealing
And there is no defense

Medications, therapy, and lots of talk
I can’t take it all
I can’t walk the walk
It never helps, though I am its thrall

Help me, someone, to fine a way to be
A corner of this life where I can be free
Let me see all that is good for me
And, oh, let me learn how to live happily.

Because I do not know.
I want to go.
But I stay for the show.
Because of tomorrow,
I do not know.

Depression is an ugly thing. I am fine, I am getting lots of help, but sometimes you just need to express it. This is how I decided to do it this time.


_we_the_pieces_ said...

Don't be depressed. This is beautiful! Have a Happy New Year!

Ionafey said...

Thanks, but I'm in the jaws of it right now. Waiting on medications to work and generally driving everyone in my life crazy. Or, at least, it seems that. Nothing is what it seems at this stage. This is why people hurt themselves. It seems like the right thing -- or at least, the most helpful thing -- at the time. It's a stupid line of thinking, but that's what the disease does to you. Thank you for reading it. :)

G. Coppard said...

You are not alone in your feelings, your disease, especially right now. With the way of the economy and folks losing their jobs, sometimes their lifetime careers, it's hard to hold on to purpose.

But you do have purpose, good purpose in this world. You don't know if an off-handed comment you make to someone tomorrow, or the next day, could be the one thing that turns their life onto a better road. You have that power.

When you think of grade school, I'll bet you can come up with very specific examples of something a student or teacher or your parents said to you that you still think about from time to time today. It may have only been a single word. They almost certainly don't remember those instances, whether helpful or hurtful. They almost certainly weren't aware of their impact. It is that way now with you.

Purpose and power in every human being.

This is how I see it. We're all on different roller coasters, running parallel but separate from each other. And yours will come up again, possibly to heights you can't even imagine today. Try to imagine the unimaginable. Try to see what's above the clouds. You can't. And that's the thrill of existence, the reason we all need to exist for as long as we can.

Take care of yourself.


Ionafey said...


Thank you for this. Your words touch me so that I have no words. I will keep this and read it when my roller coaster dips down again. Right now, I'm just about on a straight away.


G. Coppard said...

See, you just made me feel better with just that statement. A lot better. I was having a not-so-good morning today, but that just melted away.

Thank you.

Jennifer Hudson Taylor said...

I hope you are feeling better. Try to read and surround yourself with uplifting messages and inspirations.